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Cradle to the Grave.

Birth.

"When God created the Human race he made men, women and Herveys."

Love on ye jolly rakes, and buxome dames,
A child is safer than venearal flames;
Indulge your senses, with sweet offence,
We'll keep your bastards at small expence.

Lady Northumberland, "It is plain that she, [Emma Hamilton] has a camel in her belly."
Lord Edgecome, "It is true that it didn't enter through the eye of a needle."

"Dear Richard, I give you joy. I have just made you the father of a beautiful boy...P.S. This is not a circular."
Lady Anne Foley to General Fitzpatrick.

At a christening at Beddington Surrey the nurse was so intoxicated that after she had undressed the child, instead of laying it in the cradle she put it behind a large fire, which burnt it to death in a few minutes. She was examined before a magistrate, and said she was quite stupid and senseless, so that she took the child for a log of wood; on which she was discharged.
Gentlemans Magazine.

"Go on my dear Eliza, and never fear hurting your constitution by honest childbearing, since for one mother that grows thin with this work there are five hundred old maids that grow more thin for want of it."
Fredrick Hervey.

"...In short, the rogue proves to be a crab of my own planting in the days of hot blood and unrestrained libertineism."
[Humphrey Clinker]. Tobias Smollett.

Love.

She gave my eyes, she gave me ears,
And humble cares, and delicate fears,
A heart a fountain of sweet tears,
And love, and thought and, joy.

Lyttleton,"...no I only fan the flame,[in Princess Caroline] which you have kindled."
Ward,"...I had much rather be the bellows than the poker."

"In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kates allurements smitten,
I loved her late, I'd love her soon,
And called her dearest kitten.
But now my kittens grown a cat,
And cross as other wives,
O! by my soul, my honest mat,
I fear she has nine lives."
Boswell and Garrick.

"We read occasionaly of desperate cases of this description, but I cannot say that I have ever yet known a young lady dying of love. They contrive in some manner to live tolerably well notwithstanding their dispair and the continual absence of their lover and some have even been known to recover so far as to be inclined to take another lover, if the absence of the first has lasted for long."
Wellington.

SEX.
A dangler is of neither sex,
A creature born to tease and vex.

"One night as I came from the play,
I met a fair maid on the way;
She had rosy cheeks and a dimpled chin,
And a hole to put poor robin in."

"There are certain vices which the Vulgar call 'fun' and the people of fashion galantry' but the middle rank, and those of the gentry who continue to go to church stigmatise them by the opprobrious names of fornication and adultery."

"...coming up the Strand, I was tapped on the shoulder by a fine freash lass. I went home with her. She was an officers daughter, and born in Gibraltar. I could not resist indulging myself with the enjoyment of her. Surely, in such a situation, when the woman is already abandoned, the crime must be alleviated, though in strict morality, illicit love is always wrong."
James Boswell.

"Why the Devils in the young fellows of this age ! They are ten times worse than they were in my time. Had he made my daughter a whore, and forsworn it like a gentleman, I could almost have pardoned it; but to tell tales before hand is monstrous."
George Farquhar.[The Recruiting Officer]

Neither a fortress nor a maidenhead will hold out long after they begin to parley.
Ben Franklin.

A West country gentleman not much aquainted with the ways of London, expressed great surprise a few nights ago at the flocks of young ladies which he observed in the Strand, and which he actually mistook for the pupils of some large boarding school. One of the young misses soon convinced him of his error by granting him a favour, which will probably retard his journy home for sometime.
London Gazette. 

"Any able youngman, strong in the back, and endow'd with a good carnal weapon, with all the appurtenances there unto belonging in good repair, may have half a crown per night, a pair of clean sheets, and other necessaires to perform nocturnal services on one Sarah Y-tes, whose husband having these nine months past lost the use of his peace maker, the unhappy woman is thereby driven to the last extremity."
Nottingham Weekly Courant.

"His,[Lord Granville], chief passion was women, but like the rest of his race, beauty was not a nessary ingrediant. Miss Vane, whom he debauched wiyhout loving, and had been debauched without loving him so well as either Lord Harrington or Lord Hervey, who pretended to her first favours, had no other charms than being a maid of Honnour, who was willing to cease to be so upon the first oppertunity."
Horace Walpole.

He was not want to disguise any of his passions. That for gaming was notorious; for women, unbounded. There was a remarkable story current of a grave person's coming to reprove the scandle he gave, and to tell him that the world talked of  one of his maid servants being with child. Wiles said "What is that to me ?" The monitor answered "Oh but they say, that it is by your Lordship." "And what is that to you ?"
Horace Walpole. 

"Life can little else supply,
But a few good fucks and then we die."
John Wilkes.

"Mr Du Quesne...not in good spirits owing to disagreeable things happening in his family with regard to his servants, his man servant James Atterton having been too familiar with his two young servant maids, Lizzy Greaves, an old servant maid of about 23 years of age, and another girl by the name of Mary, both of which are with child by James. The former maid Lizzy was married yesterday to James, and the other discovered her situation only last night. James had also kept company with Lizzy's sister Sukey...James never appeared to be such a sly fellow."
Parson Woodforde.

 

MARRIAGE.
"Married persons of quality are never troubled with each others company abroad, or fatigued with dull matrimonial discourses at home; my Lord keeps his girl, my Lady her gallent, and they both enjoy all the fashionable privaliges of wedlock, without the inconvienences."

"Don't marry for money, but marry where money is."
Matthew Boulton.

"One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are the more they're valued."
Ben Franklin.

"It is not very material to m4e whether you marry a rich man or not provided you marry a good one."
William Linley.

"Farmer John Jukes of Meer, aged about 80 was married this morning at Ansford church to Mrs Simpson of this parish aged about 70."
Parson Woodforde.

Death.

Lord Camleford's Cortege.

Ten outriders with white scarfs and bands
A plume of white feathers and two pages
The hearse and six horses adorned with white plumes
A coach and six containing mourners
Captain Barrie
Mr Wilson formerly his Lordships solicitor
Two of the principal domestics
The deceased carriage with two servants behind in mourning, and the coachman seated on a black valvet hammercloth.

"In consequence of taking opium whilst in a state of lunacy, J.Hogarth-Johnstone esq of Great Marylebone St."

"Here lies Nolly Goldsmith, for short called Noll,
Who wrote like an Angel, but talked like poor Poll."
David Garrick.

My study of antiquities has kept me in constant thought of the perpetual fluctuation of everything. The whole art, is really, to live all the days of our life; and not, with anxious care, disturb the sweetest hour that life affords - which is, the present ! Admire the Creator, and all His works, to us incomprehensible; and do all the good you can upon earth; and take the chance of eternity, without delay.
Sir William Hamilton in a letter to Emma.

At Adrianople, Ahmed Effendi, a Turk of distinction, who had 23 wives and 108 concubines. He was a great gormandizer, and ate himself to death.
Gentlemans Magazine.

"...in the flower of her age...but alas ! like Rousseau, she may be said to have fallen sacrifice to an imoderate indulgance in vegatable tastes, as her death is ascribed by both the medical gentlemen who attended her, to eating a quantity of gooseberries at a season when the juices of that fruit are in a state of fermentation."
Gentlemans Magazine.

Aged 70, Mrs Mary Aust, relict of the late Mr A. Colerne, Wilts. She was the daughter of Phillip Edwards, of Chippenham, known by the name of 'The Honest Card Maker' who, when baliff of that place refused £500 for casting his vote at an election.
Gentlemans Magazine.

"Few perhaps are the children who, after the expiration of a few months or years would sincerly rejoice in the resurection of their parents."
Edward Gibbon.

"They have done for me at last !"
Nelson to Hardy on taking a mortal wound.

"On the 25th of October he [George II], rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor."
Horace Walpole.

 "I refused to bury two corpses this afternoon at C.Cary, one that died yesterday a woman named Cooper, and another woman Peter Longmans wife the Blacksmith, who died Sunday. The reason of my refusing them, was their not giving me proper notice of intering them. It has occasioned a good deal of talk about me, which I am sorry for, as I only did it, to make them more careful for the future..."
Parson Woodforde.

GRAVESTONES.
She drank good ale, good punch and wine
And lived to the age of ninety-nine.

Here lies one Foote, whose death thousands save,
For death has now one foot in the grave.
[Samual Foote was a one legged comedian].

Life is a journey of a Winters day,
Where many may breakfast and pass away.
Some stay to dinner, and departe full fed,
Fewer that sup before they go to bed.

Hogarth's Epitaph by Garrick.
Farewell, great painter of mankind!.
Who reached to noblest point of art,
Whose pictured morals charm the mind,
And through the eye correct the heart.
If genius fire thee, reader stay;
If nature touch thee, drop a tear;
If neither move thee - turn away;
For Hogarth's honoured dust lies here.
 

Epitaph for a Turnpike Keeper. 1805
'On Wednesday last, old Robert Sleath
Passed through the Turnpike gate of Death,
To him no toll would Death abate,
Who stopped The King at Worcester Gate.'
 

Lord Nelsons final prayer.
"May the Great God, whom I worship, grant to my country, and for the benefit of Europe in general a great and glorious victory: and may no misconduct in anyone tarnish it: and may humanity after victory be the predominant feature in the British Fleet. For myself, individually, I commit my life to Him who made me, and may His blessing light upon my endeavours for serving my country faithfully. To him I resign myself and the just cause which is entrusted to me to defend. Amen. Amen. Amen.